He was just trying to have women he's never had.

Hank Williams Jr.'s recent twin brushes with negative publicity - from the recent harassment allegations by a Memphis waitress to the allegation that he said he wanted only white medical personnel attending to his daughters (who were injured in an automobile accident a couple of weekends ago) - reminds me of two satirical pieces I wrote for my old website some years ago, around the time that Jett Williams' claims that she was Hank Jr.'s half-sister were coming to light.

I, of course, was confused and thought that the claim was that she was Hank Jr.'s daughter, which would have made the below writings a little bit more relevant, and maybe even funny. But they are neither. With apologies, the referenced pieces are reposted below in their entirety.

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More illegitimate Williams children revealed

CULLMAN, AL (AP) - In a press conference Friday, British poofter Robbie Williams donned a cowboy hat and claimed that, like Hank Williams III and Jett Williams before him, he is also the offspring of country music legend Hank Williams Jr.

The former Take That member made his announcement in Hank Williams Jr.'s hometown of Cullman, Alabama. Flanked by his half-brother and half-sister, Robbie Williams said that he was conceived by the son of Hall of Famer Hank Williams when the singer was on tour in England in the early 1970s.

Robbie Williams recounted the story his mother told him as a child:

"When the 'Monsters of Country' tour stopped in Manchester for a gig at the Evening News Arena, Hank, Merle Haggard and Waylon Jennings went to a pub after the show," Williams said. "Me mum was a barmaid there, and Hank took a bit of a shine to her.

"After closing time, Merle and Waylon went back to their hotel, while Hank and me mum went to her flat. They consummated their new friendship that evening, and he left in the morning for the next show in Leeds," Williams said. "She said that he wasn't exactly the best sex she ever had - he was really quite drunk, I reckon - but nine months later, there I was."

Robbie Williams said that as far as he knows, his mother's had no contact with the man who fell down a mountain, nor has he.

"I'm not bitter or anything like that," he said. "I'm not staking a claim of heirship on the Williams estate or anything; I've got enough money to buy and sell all of you twice. I just wanted to set the record straight."

Hank Williams Jr., who is not famous for the song "Hot to Trot" on his Lone Wolf record, was incredulous.

"I'm getting really sick of all this shit," Bocephus said. "Just because I had Little Bocephus out rather inappropriately on a few occasions doesn't mean that all of these kids who are claiming to be my kids are actually mine.

"Hell, I didn't even go to England until the early '90s, on my Screw You Saddam World Tour. I don't even know what language they speak over there - what, are they some sort of towelhead country? Cause you can't trust those towelheads. The Persian Gulf War proved that," Williams said.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go write with Kid Rock. That kid's got some talent, and I would be proud to have him for my son."

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Red Sox slugger's search for father finds success

WINTER HAVEN, FL (AP) - Excerpts from an upcoming biography about the life of Boston Red Sox legend Ted Williams reveal an interesting bit of genealogical data.

Joe Klein's book "I'm Teddy Fucking Ballgame Of The Major Fucking Leagues," due in stores before Christmas, makes the assertion that the Hall of Fame slugger is the son of country music superstar Hank Williams Jr., who's not famous for the song "Hank Hill Is The King" from this year's record titled Stormy.

"I thought the old bastard had lost his mind," Klein writes in the book. "I was going to slap him upside the head with one of those fish he has on his wall, but with the popularity of those singing mounted fish, I was afraid I'd put him in the hereafter if I picked a fish that was actually mechanical in nature. So I just patronized him, smiled and nodded in silence.

"Ted said, 'Don't patronize me, you little prick. You think I've lost my mind, don't you? Well, my body might be failing, but my mind's still strong, and I'll tell you again: Hank Williams Jr. is my father.'

"After I did some research on the matter, I realized that he was right - the blood I culled from his bedpan matches the blood found in some skin samples scraped from that nasty fall Hank Williams Jr. had back in the early 1970s."

Genealogical experts are astounded at the virility of the man called Bocephus.

"To think that this man could father a child who was born some 30-35 years before him speaks volumes to the sheer will of his sperm. That's, if you would excuse the bad joke, strong stuff," said Dr. William Friedman of the Atlanta Institute of Genealogy.

Hank Williams Jr., who's not famous for his cover of the Beatles' "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" from his High Notes album, was less than thrilled at the news. He threw his arms up and expressed astonishment at the baseball star's claim.

"Ted Williams can kiss my ass," he said. "I like to have women I've never had, but I promise you, as sure as I'm standing here, I've never had his mother.

"His claims are lucridous," Williams misspoke.