You can't get this kind of comedy on satellite (Letters to the Editor edition):

Until blogging came along, letters to the editor were America’s last outpost of righteous indignation via the written word. Often barely literate and semi-coherent, especially in smaller towns, LttEs continue to offer some comedic insight into the lives of people with too much time on their hands.

Through the magic of printed movable type, a newspaper’s readership can be treated to such fascinating wisdom as:

I was raised to believe in my country, its morals and values.

Where to start? For one, it is impossible for a country itself to have morals, but I’m quibbling! I’ll grant that there might be a set of “good old American values” that are possibly chiseled in the walls of Fort Knox, but I draw the line at “morals.” That's not a knock on America, it's just that there is no such thing. Abstracts such as morals, values and rights can not be granted by a government or by a collective group of people.

Now I find out that Wal-Mart's new chief executive officer is anti gun and has cleared the shelves of Wal-Mart stores of them.

What cave has this guy been living in? It would be one thing if this was breaking news, but Wal-Mart announced this move almost three months ago. In roughly September, he’ll find out that we got Zarqawi. Perhaps in December, he’ll find out about the moon landing. In March of next year, he’ll be writing, “Poor Joan of Arc!” And so forth.

Anyway, there is also a factual inaccuracy the size of Star Jones in this paragraph: Wal-Mart is not removing guns from all of its stores – only about a third of them. Is it a slippery slope that they’re heading down? Sure. You can cite weak demand for them, or you can point to the fact that the CEO is anti-gun, but regardless of economics or politics, that still leaves about 2000 stores that guns continue to be sold in. Including, likely, the Bedford outlet, which is where this letter-scribbler resides.

No, really, it gets better!

Boy, he says he's proud of the opportunity that his freedom has helped him achieve here in the good old U.S.A. Why shouldn't he? All he has to do is fudge a little on those morals and rights and the like - pay minimum wage to immigrants and take away my ability to defend myself from the likes of him and the government that he and others like him have bought and paid for.

Ugh.

Really, I appreciate the sentiment; you won’t find a bigger flag-waver than me, and I’m pro-gun and pro-jobs for Americans and all that. But I’ve yet to read the revision to the Second Amendment that says that guns can only be sold at big-box retailers that rhyme with “Awl Cart.” So I really fail to see where Wal-Mart’s removal of guns from its shelves in some stores is an infringement on his Second Amendment rights. If the letter-scribbler can’t find guns after Wal-Mart removes them from its shelves, then he really needs to show a little more initiative. But I’m probably – snort – “fudging a little on those morals and rights”.

My God, I’ve read more meaningful pap in yearbook inscriptions. Remember the good times, and forget the bad! BFF!