Bramble Tamble

Dear Economically Depressed Area with a Casino:

Is your local casino dead last in your state in admissions and customer winnings? Was it expected to bring an economic boon to your otherwise depressed community, but it's just not working out yet?

Then you would do well to follow the lead of the French Lick Resort and Casino.

My initial impression of the casino was that if you took a gigantic turd and wrapped it in a casino, the French Lick Resort and Casino would be the end result. Since then, my opinion of it has gone greatly downhill, so much that if I ever stepped foot in there again, it'd still be too soon.

See, the place is a shithole on so many different levels. Dead last in admissions? That's a shock. It is, after all, in such a remote area that BFE and Outer Mongolia are getting together specifically to laugh at it - "Man, we thought we were in the middle of nowhere!"

There is, quite frankly, no quick way to get there unless you live in the French Lick/West Baden/Prospect metroplex - you can, if you so choose, risk life and limb on any number of winding, dangerous two-lane highways to get there.

Dead last in gross revenue and customer winnings? Another jaw-dropper. Speaking solely as a disinterested, detached, unbiased observer who has just happened to lose a small bundle there, I'd have to say that this news is as astonishing as the news that the sun rises in the east.

(A quick side note here. Yes, I fully understand the ultimate result of gambling - I say all of this as a person who is pro-legalized gambling. I love casino junkets. Probably a little too much. I'm a big fan of gambling, yet I don't want to spend another cent in French Lick's casino, at the very least, not until they get their collective shit together, and even then, not for a few years after that. It's 45 minutes away from me, and I'd rather drive 2 hours to Aztar or Caesar's, or 7 hours to Tunica. Does that give *anyone* there a clue? Anyone? Hello?)

But fret not, Orange Countians! Help is on the way to your struggling French Lick Resort and Casino.

The key to solving all of the casino's problems can be found in this imaginary conversation (though the result is, unfortunately, very real - don't believe me just based on my word, click on the link below the conversation!):

Man #1: "Our casino is struggling. We're dead last - dead fucking last in the state. We've got the state gaming commission on our backs. Even that craphole Aztar is ahead of us on every level. What should we do?"

Man #2: "Well, we could stand to educate our dealers a little better." (Blank stares all about the room)

Man #3: "Hey, maybe we could loosen up the slots just a hair - even if we're paying out more, people will be more willing to gamble more here if they feel like they have more of a shot of winning." (Howls of laughter)

Man #2: "Some people think that the $159 weeknight room rate is a bit steep, nevermind the weekend rate."

Man #1: "Well, Jenkins, we've had this discussion before; we don't want those people in our casino. The people who are coming here for the golf and the other hoity-toity shit that we've got going on don't want to consort with the rabble. Their money spends better, so that's who we're targeting."

Man #3: "Oh. Shit the bed. It just came to me."

Man #1: "What's that?"

Man #3: "We'll do … a biweekly radio show … from our casino … you ever listen to 'A Prairie Home Companion'?"

Man #1: "Heard of it."

Man #3: "Yeah - we'll get a bunch of alt-folkies and faux hippies down here and broadcast a radio show from our ballroom. They'll do skits and down-homey music and other crap like that. It'll all have a very rustic, very Southern Indiana feel to it. And we'll sell tickets to it. Yes, that's right - we'll sell tickets to the broadcasts."

Man #1: "You're a genius, you know that? Raises for everyone! Except for Jenkins, who's an idiot." (Mocking) "The $159 room rate is too steep. It makes my vagina hurt. Muh muh muh."

They are calling it "The Hoosier Jubilee." From the Indianapolis Star's article:

"The Hoosier Jubilee" features music along with stories of small-town life in French Lick – including the fictional Bobber’s Bait Shop and the Fraternal Fellows of Order – by Tom Wright of the band. The idea is similar to the Lake Wobegon tales by Garrison Keillor on public radio’s "A Prairie Home Companion."

This just sounds Godawful. I don't mean to be a pessimist, because really, I want the casino to succeed. But honestly, does anyone with a lick of sense think that this friggin' thing is going to draw flies?

Listen. People who go somewhere for the sole intent of gambling - and let's not fool ourselves; all of the other "amenities" in the casino package (the golf, the spa, the other ephemera) are just window dressing - aren't going to spring for tickets to … to … this.

A more apt name would be "A Shithole Home Companion."

A radio show! Christ.