Liveblogging Bollywood/Hollywood.

I avoided it the best I could, but I'm too good a sport, I guess. So, I will share with you my screening of Bollywood/Hollywood.

00:45 - Well, I'm going to have to turn captions on.

01:02 - Well, this movie doesn't support captioning. I heard something about baseball.

01:30 - "I am dying, my son. You are now the team captain of the family." So, this is a baseball movie, then?

01:40 - "And don't get distracted by the cheerleaders in their short skirts."

02:20 - The transition to the title cards: "Simply ten years later."

02:45 - A white chick! The title sequence looks like a Madonna video (early Madonna, where she's a skank). Reminds me of the "My Name Is Earl" episode where they go to Mexico, and Earl gets kidnapped by bandits whose knowledge of America stopped in 1988, when their satellite went out.

03:53 - Is the whole movie going to be this poorly lit? I want some goddamned baseball.

08:00 - God. This is actually kinda funny. The protagonist (sitting in a dark room, of course) is watching the news, and the anchor breaks in with the news that pop star Kimberly - the Britney Spears of Canada - died while attempting to levitate in front of the Hollywood sign. And they show a tourist video of this girl levitating and then falling. Kinda screwball, really. Unfortunately, "pop star Kimberly" - the white chick noted in the title sequence - was the protagonist's girlfriend.

09:18 - After some footage of Pop Star Kimberly smiling in happier times, we transition to some Indian song. The screen reads, "Rahul-Ji's Song. 'Life Is So Empty With No You.'" I could really use some captioning here. I don't know how to describe Indian music. (Dots, not feathers.) Oh, and it's dark. I believe in this case, it's actually night.

10:00 - Transition to a woman laying in bed with Rahul-Ji and an unnamed other woman sitting nearby. She is weeping for some reason - I can't understand a friggin' word - I guess she is the matriarch. Says something about "Devdas" (I reckon), and the screen reads: "Devdas - Very Tragic Bollywood Hero."

12:05 - General weirdness, with a light red filter on the camera. I can't watch this anymore. Fuh-fuwid.

22:00 - A slightly heavyset housekeeper undoes her top and pushes a gentleman's head into her cleavage. My kind of movie. This must be that "undity" I heard about. She says she will sing him lullabyes, and starts singing. He says that "Lucy - this is not a lullabye. My heart is with someone else." "What's her name? I will kill her." "Rocky."

23:00 - An Indian drag show? A "woman" named "Rocky." Screen: "Rocky's Song: My Heart Is A Pigeon Coop, Come In." Fuh-fuwid.

38:00 - We join another musical interlude in progress. Fuh-fuwid.

45:00 - Subtitles. "I've seen London, Paris and Japan. I've seen Michael Jackson, I've seen it all. But my India beats them hollow."

1:00:00 - Another musical interlude. Fuh-fuwid.

1:09:00 - Hey, the CN Tower! I've been there! So this is in Toronto?

1:10:00 - Another musical interlude, not really in English. Fuh-fuwid. I didn't realize I borrowed friggin' Chicago. Indian women can be very pretty. Indian women with big bobs are also very pretty.

(I found out something neat. When I turn the center wheel on my mouse, the movie advances three minutes. this is very interesting, and explains how I've watched about 80 minutes of this movie in about 20 minutes.)

And ...... we're done. I can still talk intelligently about it when he asks me about it tomorrow without actually having seen it. In summary, I couldn't understand a frickin' word half the time, and there wasn't any baseball in it. Also, it was just pretty friggin' weird in places. (If you wanted a real review, go borrow Roger Ebert for the evening.)