March Malaise. (Caution: boring sports rambling)

I love March Madness, but this year is the first time in years (that I can recall, anyway) that I didn’t fill out a bracket. It’s to the point where I get to be just about bracketed out by the time Thursday of the tournament’s first week rolls around.

To that end, this is the first tournament in years (that I can recall, anyway) that I have truly enjoyed - probably the first since 1987, when IU won its last championship. I admit that I was kind of a back-on-the-bandwagon IU fan when they made their improbable 2002 run – my wedding was on the Saturday of the Final Four, and the band made sure to provide the reception crowd running updates of the IU defeat of Oklahoma. I was a bit swept up in the euphoria at that point, but not enough to assuage my hurt feelings that I still hold to this day about the Bob Knight firing. (Tangent alert.)

(“It’s been almost eight years; get over it,” you say.

(“No,” I reply. I just re-read Knight’s autobiography and am sincerely flabbergasted at his treatment by the university in the waning days of his tenure there, not to mention the beatings by the media that he absorbed over the course of his 29 years there. Even if the names at the university have changed since then, the M.O. remains the same, as the university’s shoddy treatment of Dan Dakich – a Knight disciple and a coach that I think I could have truly gotten behind – can attest:

(“We support you so much that we’re putting a 10-person committee in place to look at a permanent replacement for Kelvin Sampson, and we support you so much that we’re going to announce the formation of this committee on the Monday of the week of the NCAA tournament,” the university told Dakich. “Now go get ‘em and lay the groundwork for your replacement.”

(On top of all that, the team, quite frankly, quit on Dakich when their preferred assistant wasn’t promoted to head coach after the Sampson firing, and I don’t think a combination of George S. Patton, Vince Lombardi and Dr. Phil could have led Team Death Spiral to victory under those circumstances.)

Anyway, back to the tournament. As a sports fan, I read several sports websites, watch ESPNews when my son hasn’t hijacked the TV, and generally try to keep up with the goings-on with the teams and sports I enjoy. But I’ve said it here before, and I’ll say it again: I get tired of all the shouting. And the wall-to-wall analysis of every possible angle in the run-up to the tournament burns me out:

Western Kentucky could beat Drake, and they probably will, but only if Courtney Lee shoots better than 45 percent from the field … however, Drake is 29-4 for a reason, and Adam Emmenecker will carry them to victory … but the game is on a Friday, and Western Kentucky is 3-0 on Friday games at neutral sites, but they are only 1-2 against teams from the Missouri Valley Conference whose mascots are from the animal kingdom … but Drake won the automatic bid from the Missouri Valley, and teams that have won the automatic bid from that conference are only 14-12 in the last 12 years in the tournament … oh, and it’s a 5-12 matchup, and we know – know! – what kind of pitfalls that can present to the 5 seed … but the dude from Fox Sports brought up a very good point, that schools that end in vowels have not advanced past the Sweet 16 since 2007, and that’s really something to think about … and Drake beat a team that had just lost a teammate to a car wreck/projectile leprosy/shingles/ennui, so if they can put away a team that plays with that kind of inspired effort, then they will be dangerous in the tournament …

Ugh. (And, after all that analysis, Western Kentucky won on a freak 30-footer at the buzzer in overtime, which I don’t think anyone accounted for.)

Then you have the window-licking fans of sports talk radio who congregate on these websites and talk smack, and there’s NOTHING I HATE MORE THAN HEARING PEOPLE TALK SMACK. I even hate that phrase, “talking smack,” and I’m going to hell for even using it. Seriously, though – I think confidence in your chosen team(s) is great, but God, do you have to be such a dick about it?

Imagine that times 64, and you wonder why I’m so burned out.

****

So you can include March Madness on my list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up. (The “they” in this case would be the sports media, with a huge assist from the over-testosteroned sports talk radio crowd.)

My three favorite sporting events of the year - the NCAA tournament, the Indiana high school basketball tournament and the Indy 500 - are all on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up.

A caveat: The Indy 500 is on its way to being Shit They’ve Fucked Up But Fixed – we’ll see how reunification treats The Greatest Spectacle In Racing come May – but for now remains on the list. (If they have more than 34 cars entered for the race, creating actual Bump Day drama on that final qualifying Sunday, then I’ll remove it from the list.) (They = Tony George, who may be vindicated in short order.)

And the Indiana high school basketball tournament is irrevocably on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up, when they decided to take the purest high school event in the history of the world and turn it into T-ball, where everyone gets a trophy, where Participation is as important as Winning. (They = the IHSAA, with a huge assist from self-esteem gurus who think that feeling good about oneself is more important than playing to win)

Also, not on my list of favorites above but just as saddening, NASCAR is on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up, for various reasons (Car of Tomorrow – errr, Today – the sanitizing of personalities, the emergence of Toyota, moving races from historically significant tracks like Darlington and Rockingham to insignificant, inconsequential, bor-r-r-r-ing tracks like California, waiting till 2 in the morning Eastern time to postpone a race due to rain, Boogity Boogity Boogity). (They = NASCAR, bowing to the television god.)

Major League Baseball is on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up, because every – every! – historically significant achievement will now and forevermore be tainted by the question of, “Is he or isn’t he on the juice?” (They = the chemists who spend their time in labs trying to create the next undetectable drug that will help a person hit a ball 20 feet farther or throw a ball 3 mph faster, with an assist from the players who take them - I hope the health trade-off is worth it.)

The NBA would normally on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up, except I haven’t gave much of a shit about it for years. (They = The People Who Didn’t Make a Bionic Back for Larry Bird So He Could Play Forever)

The NFL is not on the list of Shit They’ve Fucked Up, but give it time; I’m certain They will Fuck it Up as well. (When they do, I’m sure the They will be Bill Belichick. Maybe Brett Favre, but most likely Bill Belichick.)

I hate it when They take Shit I like and Fuck It Up.