Product lines as metaphor

As I sprayed down the car after washing it by hand that July Saturday, only then did I realize in my heart of hearts, that this summer was truly the Best Summer Ever.

Fuck.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Getting my wicked weather on

Here are two overused more turns of phrase that should consign the speaker to leprosy, or at least a really painful sunburn that itches real bad:

1. Any variation of the phrase "get(ting) my (any noun here) on." It was kind of catchy about 5 years ago, but cripes, you're telling me the language hasn't evolved since then?

I've noticed that the grub-and-games franchise Dave and Buster's has co-opted this phrase, using the "Get your game on" tagline on their advertising. (Because "Unleash Your Inner Frat Boy" or "Where Dickheads Eat" were both taken, I guess. I swear, I've never seen a less appealing group of people than the people in their TV ads. And the universe is full of unappealing people, so kudos to D&B's ad agency for rounding up the cream of the crap.)

Usage of the phrase has expanded to non-game situations. I, for instance, might use the phrase "I'm getting my project control on" if I were both a project controller and functionally retarded. (I am one of those. It's up to you to decide which, and no peeking!)

Rule of thumb: If a big-time country music singer has used the phrase as a song title, and the song gets moderate-to-heavy on your local Nu Country station, it's a good time to drop the phrase from your lexicon.

2. Hurricane season, tornado season and Indiana's monsoon season will bring a spate of headlines and soundbites using the term "wicked weather." That's just a tired, too-easy way to summarize crappy weather.

Rule of thumb: If Fox News uses it in a graphic or on their chyron - and I say this as an impassioned Fox News defender - then you probably shouldn't use it in any form whatsoever.

Bonus "don't say that": Big Brown sounds like a giant poop, and I'm kind of glad he didn't win the Triple Crown, because I don't like thinking about poop.


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Jumping The Sponge (Preface?)

One of the things that I am planning to hold court about in the near future, next time I am in front of my computer proper (because I can't tap out these thoughts coherently on a BlackBerry), is my disappointment in recent seasons of SpongeBob SquarePants.

I'd hoped to drop 1,000 words on how singularly awful newer eps have been, but I'll prime the pump and say that, while I am a little late to the game as far as my SB fandom, I'd estimate that the theatrical release of the SpongeBob movie some years back coincided with the creative and artistic zenith of the series. I'll check the particulars and get back to you on this point.

In the meantime, if you're a fan, I'd ask you to take the sweet silliness of classic episodes like "Imitation Krabs," "Krab Borg," "Krusty Love" or "Opposite Day" (to name four) and compare them to "To Love A Patty" or "The Splinter", two episodes that are a microcosm of the show's sustained nadir.

The former group, like almost all SB episodes from that time, had depth, warmth and a goofy innocence about them that made the show appeal to kids and adults alike. The latter eschews any redeeming qualities in favor of an cheap, uncreative meanness, not to mention turning the "gross-out" knob to 11 solely to curry favor with toddlers and kids who think fart jokes are hilarious. Even David Bowie lending his voice to "Atlantis SquarePantis" couldn't pull that episode out of the murk.

Sad that a "kids' show" that I probably liked more than my son does has now found itself lost at sea. Is it time to bury SpongeBob - and awful dreck like "Fungus Among Us" or "The Krusty Sponge" - in Davy Jones' locker?


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T