We can't keep this violent pace.

Work has been, well, work the last month or so.  When I've not been celebrating holidays or inclement winter weather, 10-, 11- and 12-hour days have been the norm.  The staff is overloaded, and while there is a light at the end of the tunnel as we wrap up our fiscal year in the coming weeks, I can't help but wonder if I'm cut out for this.

I'm struggling with two types of balance in my life right now.  The first is trying to maintain a balance between responsibilities to Corporate and responsibilities to the project managers of the programs I have fiduciary responsibility for.  That's something that we all deal with, and I don't think there's a correct answer, even though my personal feeling is that my time would be better served by providing local support to my managers ... but it's Corporate who signs my checks.

The second type of balance is work-home.  This hit me as I left work at 7:30 last night.

The company I work for is top dog in the local market.  Whether you look at revenue recognized or employment numbers, we are number one.  We do amazing work for the customer, and the customer recognizes this, as they continue to award high-dollar contracts to our company based on our past performance.

And as I left work last night, it hit me.  There were about 10 or 12 cars still in the parking lot of our company.  I looked across the street at our main competitor - parking lot was empty.  I scanned the lots of the other two buildings across from us - no one was there.  It warmed me to know that even though we're number one, we were still working hard instead of resting on our laurels.

But at what cost?

I worry about work-home balance, and I wonder how much I really give a shit about being number one.  I love the company I work for, and I don't mind working hard to help achieve my own personal financial goals (more long-term than short-term, as I'm salaried and, by the rules of my company, not eligible for overtime), but I worry about my priorities and what these insane hours mean for my relationships at home, not to mention my overall health.

It's not as though things would be *that* different at home if I came home at 5 instead of 6:30, 7, 8 o'clock at night.  Because of the way things are arranged right now with My Son Cool after school, it's not as though I'm missing a lot of time with him.  But doesn't he deserve better than this?  Doesn't he deserve better than a daddy who is tired and irritable?

I will grant that my company is VERY good to me as far as family-type responsibilities go.  Last week, when we got The Weather, school was called off for Thursday and Friday, and I stayed home with him both days instead of dumping him off at a sitter or daycare.  And not a cross word was uttered at work.  This is how it normally goes; I never have caught any crap for keeping my family as my ultimate first focus.

I don't really know what the correct answer is - check that; the correct answer is always "family first" - but I do also recognize that we live in the real world.  Even though I do concurrently recognize that in the world of business, I'm just a worker drone that will get discarded when my "use by" date is up.  I know that I don't make a difference on a personal level to corporate types - I'm just an employee ID and a badge photo.  But I will always make a difference to my wife and my son.  And I want to give them as comfortable and wonderful a life as is within my power.  So where to draw the line?